What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

Life is not a walk in the park. It is filled with struggles, heartache, and sadness. It is ALSO filled with laughter, happiness, and joy. I find it somewhat hypocritical that the title of my blog is "Finding Joy in the Journey" when this blog post topic is something far from that. But I feel very prompted to write about it anyway. There are times in our journey of life when we struggle more than we ever have. And those struggles are just as important in our progression as the times when we are experiencing joy.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17 years old. After months of putting myself and my family through hell,
I finally went to see a psychiatrist. Little did I know that only a few years later I would be studying about the very mental illness that I have in my college psychology classes. I was a very angry, sad, self-loathing person. It took almost a year of consistent counseling sessions, medication, late night prayers, and a change of heart to bring me out of it. 

Some of you might not think that this description is accurate to the Marti that you know. And you are right. Pretty much my life during the ages of 18-23 have been good. I mended my family relationships, I have been surrounded by amazing friends,
kept myself busy with school, served the Lord as a missionary, and experienced a new area of the world on study abroad.
I even turned my life around by deciding to care about my health, losing over 20 pounds when I trained for my first marathon
in 2008. I found my passion for running and felt good about my physical appearance. I had an enthusiasm for life and learning.
I was excited about new opportunities to be a missionary and to travel the world. I still had days when I was sad and felt the influence of my depression, but 95% of the time I was a happy person.  

In one of my music therapy classes, some of our assignments were to help us develop the skill of songwriting. Our professor asked us to write a song for a client who could be experiencing a type of mental illness - anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, etc. The only way I could write a song for someone with depression was to write about my own experience. It was painful to bring those memories and feelings out again. I was in such a good place at that time that I had to write this song and thinking about my depression scared me, because I never wanted it to have control over my life again. But thinking about it did help me to write a decent song. I wish I had a recording of it to share, but at least these are the lyrics for you to read...

I GO BACK

Reaching out for something to hold on to

As I feel myself sliding away

Far away to an unknown place where I

Feel so numb every single day

Ooooooooo

I feel so numb every single day

Ooooooooo

This label I have does not define me

But it refines the person I want to be

So I go back to the back to the person that I was

To the things that I used to love

I go back

I go back to the joy that I once knew

To the laughter that I had with you

I go back

I go back

I see the light right ahead of me 

It is just within my grasp

It slips away and I’m back here at the start

I can’t run away from my past

Oooooooo

I can’t run away from my past

Oooooooo

This label I have does not define me

But it refines the person I want to be

So I go back to the back to the person that I was

To the things that I used to love

I go back

I go back to the joy that I once knew

To the laughter that I had with you

I go back

I go back

It all started again about 6 months ago. Clinical depression does not take over your life in one day. It comes gradually over days, weeks, and months. I didn't realize that my depression was coming back until a few weeks ago when I felt myself drowning in it. A very stressful last semester was the trigger, followed by an apathetic attitude when I moved home.
But this time my depression is different. It has more to do with my relationships with other people than it does about the relationship that I have with myself. Depression is different for each person. For me......

Depression is...

• feeling lonely even when you are surrounded by people
• not being able to be with someone you love
• a friend losing their trust and respect for you
• feeling the guilt of the bad choices that you have made
• waking up 10+ times in one night, feeling restless
• finding it challenging to meet new friends
• not finding happiness in the things you used to love
• not being able to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost
• feeling like you can't kneel down and pray to Heavenly Father
• realizing that you were once a happy and fulfilled person, but not being able to feel that now

Now that I have gone on and on about this very sad subject, the important thing is that I have hope.
Although I feel the onset of depression, I know what I need to do to fight it. I am being proactive in my own healing process.
Depression is a very real thing, but so is the Atonement and love of Jesus Christ. The Savior was there to heal my spirit and mind when it was broken before, and I know that He will do it again.  I don't want to sit back and let depression take hold of me like it did the last time. Because I know that "this label I have does not define me." 

I am not my depression