Spring Is Coming!

It is already a week into March! Spring is on its way and I can't wait for it to warm up a little bit! From what I have heard, it has been pretty warm in Utah the last few weeks. Wish I could get some of that heat up here haha. 

In just a few weeks my internship will be half-way over! SAY WHHHAAATTT?!? There’s quite a lot to write about. Internship, Oregon adventures, personal stuff, everything! 

I guess the most important, my internship is going great! I think my last blog post I described in detail about the population that I work with at Oregon State Hospital. I am preparing for my upcoming 10-week term of groups that starts the end of this month. I will be leading 15 hours of group each week! Some of my groups include: Music and Relaxation, Song Sharing, On-Unit Groups, Songwriting, Drumming, 1:1 Music Therapy, and some of my own created groups where I get to explore some new ideas with treatment. I am excited and also overwhelmed at the same time. 

I have really great supervisors so I know that they will support me as I make this transition. 

Overall, things are going really well with my internship. I am really learning how to be flexible and adapt what I am doing based on the patients in my group and where they are (mentally) at that moment. It is teaching me how to be prepared to adapt everything! I have had a few challenges here and there, but it is just mostly dealing with working in a state-run facility and not much to do with what I am actually doing with regards to music therapy. 

I have been asked by a few co-workers recently what my plans are for when my internship is over. And my honest answer for that is….. I have no idea! At least for now, I think I will stick around the Portland area when I am done. 

My roommate Marisa’s internship isn’t done until August so I at least have somewhere to live for a bit while I figure everything out. I am thinking just enjoy the summertime in Oregon, study for my board exam, and do some major job hunting. Other than that… the world is my oyster haha. 

In other news… I am making a quilt! I started when we had a snowstorm and were stuck inside for a few days.  

  

I won a free pair of running shoes! I entered my name into a raffle and I won. Best day ever! 

I went on a waterfall adventure to about 5 different waterfalls in the Columbia River Gorge area. It was a little rainy but the waterfalls were stunningly beautiful.  

I was introduced to the Landmark Forum through a music therapist that I admire and I am going to participate in the first stage of the conference this upcoming May! I don’t know a lot about the Landmark Forum, but even with just an introduction, I have made some necessary changes in my life for the better and I feel like this is a great opportunity to continue learning how many new and exciting things can be a possibility in my life!  

And most recently, just this past weekend, I went with a group of friends on a day-trip to Seattle! We saw this super cool troll statue under a bridge and we meandered along Pike’s Market for the afternoon.  

I am really trying to do better at eating healthy and exercising on a regular basis. I joined a Crossfit gym and I have been going to the 5:30AM class… yes I said 5:30AM!!! It is actually super convenient for me to go at that time so that I can get my workout done and meet up with my carpool at 6:50AM. I also get a discounted price because I am technically still a full-time student. I went pretty consistently last week and I am excited to get by butt back into gear again. I have just let myself slide too far down the mountain with regards to my physical health. I cut out sweets for Lent and I am trying to get in about 60-90 minutes of exercise everyday. It might seem a little excessive but I am trying to be passionately committed to it. 

I think that sums up the last few weeks on my end. I hope all of my family and friends around the world are doing well. I miss you all.

New year, new town, new life!

It has been WAY too long since I updated my blog. A lot has happened in the last 4+ months since my last post!

To recap just a few...

• I finished off the year with a move  to OREGON!!!
• I traveled to the Northeast to visit my good friend and now roommate, Marisa Johnson! We visited some great places in New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts
• I got a new road bike this summer and I had some pretty awesome long rides with Megan Ronnow :)
• I worked 40-60 hours a week between West Ridge Academy and substitute teaching... it was quite hectic but I was able to save a lot of money for the big move!
• I turned 25 years old... woot woot!
• I am now a music therapy intern at Oregon State Hospital - one step closer to becoming a music therapist! 

Well that is about everything in a nutshell. I am in a much better place in my life than I was when I last posted on this blog.
Life seems to do that... go up and down. I think the important thing to remember is that we have to CHOOSE to change our lives and CHOOSE to be happy, even if our situation does not lend itself to that. I feel at peace with my decision to move and do my internship here in Oregon and I am excited to see what this opportunity will bring to my life, and what I can give!

I am almost done with my first month of internship already! After an extremely long orientation, I am finally attending groups for observation and learning all about my role and responsibility as an intern. This internship is very self-directed and I am really looking forward to exploring my areas of passion within music therapy with this population. Speaking of population...
Here's just a little about the type of patients that I work with here at the Oregon State Hospital:

• Civil committed patients who come to the OSH to receive further treatment for their mental illness. They are not able to receive the help that they need within the community and are here to gain the skills necessary to be successful when they go home.

• .370 patients - These are patients who have been accused of a crime and have been found unable to aid and assist in their own defense because of their unstable mental illness. They will receive therapy here and services to help them become stabilized and gain legal skills to prepare for their trial.

• GEI/PSRB (Guilty Except for Insanity, Psychiatric Security Review Board) - Patients who have been found guilty of a crime who fall under the jurisdiction of the PSRB. They must serve out their conviction time along with receiving services for their mental illness.

It is a very interesting experience, working with the patients here at the hospital. It makes me sad to see some of them here, but at the same time I have hope for their recovery and safety.

My schedule is pretty similar everyday - Get to work by 7:30am, morning meetings, treatment groups from 9-11, more meetings and work stuff from 11-1, more treatment groups from 1-3, and then I wrap up everything and leave at 4:00! Along with attending and observing treatment groups, I attend staff and interdisciplinary team meetings, journal, write notes about how each patient is doing in treatment, and just find my way in this large facility haha. I have tried to learn as much as I can in this short training period so that I can hit the ground running when it comes time to lead my own groups in a few weeks!   

Life outside of my internship has been really great! I am beginning to train for some upcoming races this spring. I am able to run when I get home before it gets dark. It is so nice to get outside and take that time to clear my head. I attend a YSA ward in the area and there are a lot of great people here! I am becoming better friends with them each time we get together. I live about 10 minutes away from the church as well as the Portland Temple. I am living with Marisa Johnson, a friend from the USU music therapy program. She is doing her internship with Earthtones Music Therapy in Portland. We have somewhat similar schedules so it is nice to be able to go out and do things together. Living together is going well and we are able to talk about the awesome music therapy things we get to do each day. Having such a close friend is such a blessing to me right now.

Well, that is about all I have to say for this post! Hopefully I'll be updating you more frequently as my internship unfolds. 

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior for leading and guiding me to this place in my life. 

I am learning so much and growing everyday. Until next time...

Portland Oregon Temple

 View of the Columbia River from Beacon Rock, WA

 Sunrise on the first day of my internship :)

Oregon State Hospital

My awesome intern ID

 Picture from my New Hampshire trip!

New Hampshire

(Next time I will put up some photos with me in them haha)

PEACE OUT!

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

Life is not a walk in the park. It is filled with struggles, heartache, and sadness. It is ALSO filled with laughter, happiness, and joy. I find it somewhat hypocritical that the title of my blog is "Finding Joy in the Journey" when this blog post topic is something far from that. But I feel very prompted to write about it anyway. There are times in our journey of life when we struggle more than we ever have. And those struggles are just as important in our progression as the times when we are experiencing joy.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17 years old. After months of putting myself and my family through hell,
I finally went to see a psychiatrist. Little did I know that only a few years later I would be studying about the very mental illness that I have in my college psychology classes. I was a very angry, sad, self-loathing person. It took almost a year of consistent counseling sessions, medication, late night prayers, and a change of heart to bring me out of it. 

Some of you might not think that this description is accurate to the Marti that you know. And you are right. Pretty much my life during the ages of 18-23 have been good. I mended my family relationships, I have been surrounded by amazing friends,
kept myself busy with school, served the Lord as a missionary, and experienced a new area of the world on study abroad.
I even turned my life around by deciding to care about my health, losing over 20 pounds when I trained for my first marathon
in 2008. I found my passion for running and felt good about my physical appearance. I had an enthusiasm for life and learning.
I was excited about new opportunities to be a missionary and to travel the world. I still had days when I was sad and felt the influence of my depression, but 95% of the time I was a happy person.  

In one of my music therapy classes, some of our assignments were to help us develop the skill of songwriting. Our professor asked us to write a song for a client who could be experiencing a type of mental illness - anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, etc. The only way I could write a song for someone with depression was to write about my own experience. It was painful to bring those memories and feelings out again. I was in such a good place at that time that I had to write this song and thinking about my depression scared me, because I never wanted it to have control over my life again. But thinking about it did help me to write a decent song. I wish I had a recording of it to share, but at least these are the lyrics for you to read...

I GO BACK

Reaching out for something to hold on to

As I feel myself sliding away

Far away to an unknown place where I

Feel so numb every single day

Ooooooooo

I feel so numb every single day

Ooooooooo

This label I have does not define me

But it refines the person I want to be

So I go back to the back to the person that I was

To the things that I used to love

I go back

I go back to the joy that I once knew

To the laughter that I had with you

I go back

I go back

I see the light right ahead of me 

It is just within my grasp

It slips away and I’m back here at the start

I can’t run away from my past

Oooooooo

I can’t run away from my past

Oooooooo

This label I have does not define me

But it refines the person I want to be

So I go back to the back to the person that I was

To the things that I used to love

I go back

I go back to the joy that I once knew

To the laughter that I had with you

I go back

I go back

It all started again about 6 months ago. Clinical depression does not take over your life in one day. It comes gradually over days, weeks, and months. I didn't realize that my depression was coming back until a few weeks ago when I felt myself drowning in it. A very stressful last semester was the trigger, followed by an apathetic attitude when I moved home.
But this time my depression is different. It has more to do with my relationships with other people than it does about the relationship that I have with myself. Depression is different for each person. For me......

Depression is...

• feeling lonely even when you are surrounded by people
• not being able to be with someone you love
• a friend losing their trust and respect for you
• feeling the guilt of the bad choices that you have made
• waking up 10+ times in one night, feeling restless
• finding it challenging to meet new friends
• not finding happiness in the things you used to love
• not being able to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost
• feeling like you can't kneel down and pray to Heavenly Father
• realizing that you were once a happy and fulfilled person, but not being able to feel that now

Now that I have gone on and on about this very sad subject, the important thing is that I have hope.
Although I feel the onset of depression, I know what I need to do to fight it. I am being proactive in my own healing process.
Depression is a very real thing, but so is the Atonement and love of Jesus Christ. The Savior was there to heal my spirit and mind when it was broken before, and I know that He will do it again.  I don't want to sit back and let depression take hold of me like it did the last time. Because I know that "this label I have does not define me." 

I am not my depression

One Year Anniversary

One year ago today I started this blog and left on my semester adventure to Africa! I can't believe all that has happened in that year. The time I spent in Ghana was life-changing. I gained the friendship and love of two new families - one with my study abroad friends and the other with my church friends. These relationships have made me a better person and I will be forever grateful for the influence everyone had on me during that time. I had amazing opportunities to travel, learn at the hands of musicians and teachers, have deep discussions with other international students, and become part of the LDSSA group on campus. Here are some of my most memorable experiences from my time in Ghana -- 

Leaving for Africa the day after my sister's wedding

My first home-made Ghanaian dish at a church activity

Swimming in the largest waterfall in West Africa

 Feeding the monkeys at the sanctuary sanctuary

Fun day trip to Jamestown

Drum classes!! 

Beautiful handmade clothes

The children on Dodi Island

The incredible views of the beautiful country

My last FHE with the LDSSA

Thanksgiving dinner!!

 Performing for the music concerts

Seeing a friend from home!

Celebrating a birthday

 Wonderful friends

Walking on a canopy bridge

Drinking straight from a coconut

The first time I saw an LDS church building

Picking out my drum

Participating in the YSA sports activity

Black Star soccer game!!

Smiles on a sinking boat

Our special rock

Sunrise in Togo

First moto-taxi ride!

Missionaries!!!!!

Representing the ISH swim team

Learning how to eat banku

On top of the tallest mountain in Ghana

ISEP family

My primary class

The Accra Ghana Temple

These are just a few of the many memories that I have from my experience in Ghana. I am grateful for the opportunity that I had to go, the support from my family and friends, and the safety that I had while I was there. 

I want to go back someday.

Two Years Home

On this day two years ago, June 29th 2011, I returned home from my service as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As many other sentimental missionaries have done, I want to take some time to write about what this experience meant to me. For those who are reading this who are not a member of the LDS faith, I hope this will give you some understanding as to what I did for 18 months of my life and the impact it had on me.

A mission was the best and hardest thing I have ever done. Ever since I was young I wanted to be a missionary. My mother served a mission and her dedication to and faith in the Savior was always an example to me. Making the decision to go was hard. I left in the middle of my college education, giving up opportunities for school, jobs, relationships, and time with my family. As a missionary, you decide to dedicate all your time and attention to serving Heavenly Father and teaching people about Jesus Christ for 18 months... Going to a new area of the world and speaking a foreign language, emailing your family once every week and hearing them on the phone two times a year, wearing a dress everyday in 100-degree weather or in 4 feet of snow, waking up everyday at 6:30am (that was a hard one for me)... Needless to say, many sacrifices have to be made if you want to be a missionary. But that is the whole point - to sacrifice all of our worldly desires for a period of time to leave home and teach people about Jesus Christ.

Shouldn't we be willing to sacrifice everything that we might know Him better?

When I received my mission assignment to go to the Arizona Phoenix Mission the first thought that went through my head was, "Great... I'm going to be sweating for 18 months!" I entered the Missionary Training Center about 10 days after Christmas. Over the period of the next 18 months I served with 10 different companions in 6 different areas (Glendale and Flagstaff, AZ, Bloomfield and Aztec, NM, and Durango and Bayfield, CO), had two mission presidents, AND switched mission assignments to serve in the New Mexico Farmington Mission.

My mission experience was filled with experiences that brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There were also times when I was discouraged and sadness. Every missionary will experience times like these. The real test comes in how each person deals with those times of discouragement. Do you choose to stop working hard or go home? Or do you choose to put your faith and trust in the Lord and press forward?

 I went through such an experience of which I have only told my parents about until now. In an area where we were not having much success for many months, I wrote in my journal "What else is there for me to do here? What else does the Lord want me to do?" I was tired of trying to talk to people who didn't want to have anything to do with us. I was tired of knocking on doors. I was tired of teaching the same 3 people every week who were not making any real commitment to change. I was ready to throw in the towel, give up, and come home. And then I realized....... The Savior did not give up on me when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He did not say "I'm tired" or "This is too hard." There were thousands of people who did not want to have anything to do with Him or want to change their traditional way of life. And yet He did not falter.

Although some days it was a battle to get out of bed, I decided to keep pushing forward with what I had promised the Lord I would do - and that, I consider a victory. Just like the beginning, the end of my mission was filled with wonderful companions who encouraged me and helped me to keep working hard. It was filled with members of the church that became family to me. It was filled with opportunities for sharing about Jesus Christ that will forever solidify my testimony in Him. I am grateful for the Savior's example of steadfastness and how it helped me to press forward. 

My memories of my mission are already beginning to fade over time. I occasionally will talk with my companions about mission stories and memories to help me remember. I am also VERY grateful that I kept a journal for about 80% of my daily events. And I took a lot of pictures... Although the memories will fade, I will NEVER forget the feelings that I had ---

When I heard Brian Kohlenberg share his testimony for the first time

When a parents would renew their commitment to Jesus Christ because of the faith of their children
Joe Brown's dedicatin to invite every person he met to meet with us to learn about Jesus Christ

When I read my scriptures and received revelation for people we were teaching
Young single adult college students, like Janice and Jill Bacigalupo, who follow what they know to be true even when family and friends oppose their decision

When Mary Trujillo invited me to her baptism (after meeting with missionaries on and off for 5 years)

And the list could go on and on...

It is these memories and the feelings that I had as a missionary that carry me through hard times today. When I am having difficulty with my faith now, I remember the time I spent as a missionary and the conviction that I had about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It helps me to remember the principles that I thought and how important it is to do the little things like read my scriptures and pray to my Heavenly Father. It helps me to stay on the path. It gives me light when I am in a dark and low place. 

It helps me to know that I am not alone.