What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

Life is not a walk in the park. It is filled with struggles, heartache, and sadness. It is ALSO filled with laughter, happiness, and joy. I find it somewhat hypocritical that the title of my blog is "Finding Joy in the Journey" when this blog post topic is something far from that. But I feel very prompted to write about it anyway. There are times in our journey of life when we struggle more than we ever have. And those struggles are just as important in our progression as the times when we are experiencing joy.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17 years old. After months of putting myself and my family through hell,
I finally went to see a psychiatrist. Little did I know that only a few years later I would be studying about the very mental illness that I have in my college psychology classes. I was a very angry, sad, self-loathing person. It took almost a year of consistent counseling sessions, medication, late night prayers, and a change of heart to bring me out of it. 

Some of you might not think that this description is accurate to the Marti that you know. And you are right. Pretty much my life during the ages of 18-23 have been good. I mended my family relationships, I have been surrounded by amazing friends,
kept myself busy with school, served the Lord as a missionary, and experienced a new area of the world on study abroad.
I even turned my life around by deciding to care about my health, losing over 20 pounds when I trained for my first marathon
in 2008. I found my passion for running and felt good about my physical appearance. I had an enthusiasm for life and learning.
I was excited about new opportunities to be a missionary and to travel the world. I still had days when I was sad and felt the influence of my depression, but 95% of the time I was a happy person.  

In one of my music therapy classes, some of our assignments were to help us develop the skill of songwriting. Our professor asked us to write a song for a client who could be experiencing a type of mental illness - anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, etc. The only way I could write a song for someone with depression was to write about my own experience. It was painful to bring those memories and feelings out again. I was in such a good place at that time that I had to write this song and thinking about my depression scared me, because I never wanted it to have control over my life again. But thinking about it did help me to write a decent song. I wish I had a recording of it to share, but at least these are the lyrics for you to read...

I GO BACK

Reaching out for something to hold on to

As I feel myself sliding away

Far away to an unknown place where I

Feel so numb every single day

Ooooooooo

I feel so numb every single day

Ooooooooo

This label I have does not define me

But it refines the person I want to be

So I go back to the back to the person that I was

To the things that I used to love

I go back

I go back to the joy that I once knew

To the laughter that I had with you

I go back

I go back

I see the light right ahead of me 

It is just within my grasp

It slips away and I’m back here at the start

I can’t run away from my past

Oooooooo

I can’t run away from my past

Oooooooo

This label I have does not define me

But it refines the person I want to be

So I go back to the back to the person that I was

To the things that I used to love

I go back

I go back to the joy that I once knew

To the laughter that I had with you

I go back

I go back

It all started again about 6 months ago. Clinical depression does not take over your life in one day. It comes gradually over days, weeks, and months. I didn't realize that my depression was coming back until a few weeks ago when I felt myself drowning in it. A very stressful last semester was the trigger, followed by an apathetic attitude when I moved home.
But this time my depression is different. It has more to do with my relationships with other people than it does about the relationship that I have with myself. Depression is different for each person. For me......

Depression is...

• feeling lonely even when you are surrounded by people
• not being able to be with someone you love
• a friend losing their trust and respect for you
• feeling the guilt of the bad choices that you have made
• waking up 10+ times in one night, feeling restless
• finding it challenging to meet new friends
• not finding happiness in the things you used to love
• not being able to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost
• feeling like you can't kneel down and pray to Heavenly Father
• realizing that you were once a happy and fulfilled person, but not being able to feel that now

Now that I have gone on and on about this very sad subject, the important thing is that I have hope.
Although I feel the onset of depression, I know what I need to do to fight it. I am being proactive in my own healing process.
Depression is a very real thing, but so is the Atonement and love of Jesus Christ. The Savior was there to heal my spirit and mind when it was broken before, and I know that He will do it again.  I don't want to sit back and let depression take hold of me like it did the last time. Because I know that "this label I have does not define me." 

I am not my depression

One Year Anniversary

One year ago today I started this blog and left on my semester adventure to Africa! I can't believe all that has happened in that year. The time I spent in Ghana was life-changing. I gained the friendship and love of two new families - one with my study abroad friends and the other with my church friends. These relationships have made me a better person and I will be forever grateful for the influence everyone had on me during that time. I had amazing opportunities to travel, learn at the hands of musicians and teachers, have deep discussions with other international students, and become part of the LDSSA group on campus. Here are some of my most memorable experiences from my time in Ghana -- 

Leaving for Africa the day after my sister's wedding

My first home-made Ghanaian dish at a church activity

Swimming in the largest waterfall in West Africa

 Feeding the monkeys at the sanctuary sanctuary

Fun day trip to Jamestown

Drum classes!! 

Beautiful handmade clothes

The children on Dodi Island

The incredible views of the beautiful country

My last FHE with the LDSSA

Thanksgiving dinner!!

 Performing for the music concerts

Seeing a friend from home!

Celebrating a birthday

 Wonderful friends

Walking on a canopy bridge

Drinking straight from a coconut

The first time I saw an LDS church building

Picking out my drum

Participating in the YSA sports activity

Black Star soccer game!!

Smiles on a sinking boat

Our special rock

Sunrise in Togo

First moto-taxi ride!

Missionaries!!!!!

Representing the ISH swim team

Learning how to eat banku

On top of the tallest mountain in Ghana

ISEP family

My primary class

The Accra Ghana Temple

These are just a few of the many memories that I have from my experience in Ghana. I am grateful for the opportunity that I had to go, the support from my family and friends, and the safety that I had while I was there. 

I want to go back someday.

Two Years Home

On this day two years ago, June 29th 2011, I returned home from my service as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As many other sentimental missionaries have done, I want to take some time to write about what this experience meant to me. For those who are reading this who are not a member of the LDS faith, I hope this will give you some understanding as to what I did for 18 months of my life and the impact it had on me.

A mission was the best and hardest thing I have ever done. Ever since I was young I wanted to be a missionary. My mother served a mission and her dedication to and faith in the Savior was always an example to me. Making the decision to go was hard. I left in the middle of my college education, giving up opportunities for school, jobs, relationships, and time with my family. As a missionary, you decide to dedicate all your time and attention to serving Heavenly Father and teaching people about Jesus Christ for 18 months... Going to a new area of the world and speaking a foreign language, emailing your family once every week and hearing them on the phone two times a year, wearing a dress everyday in 100-degree weather or in 4 feet of snow, waking up everyday at 6:30am (that was a hard one for me)... Needless to say, many sacrifices have to be made if you want to be a missionary. But that is the whole point - to sacrifice all of our worldly desires for a period of time to leave home and teach people about Jesus Christ.

Shouldn't we be willing to sacrifice everything that we might know Him better?

When I received my mission assignment to go to the Arizona Phoenix Mission the first thought that went through my head was, "Great... I'm going to be sweating for 18 months!" I entered the Missionary Training Center about 10 days after Christmas. Over the period of the next 18 months I served with 10 different companions in 6 different areas (Glendale and Flagstaff, AZ, Bloomfield and Aztec, NM, and Durango and Bayfield, CO), had two mission presidents, AND switched mission assignments to serve in the New Mexico Farmington Mission.

My mission experience was filled with experiences that brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There were also times when I was discouraged and sadness. Every missionary will experience times like these. The real test comes in how each person deals with those times of discouragement. Do you choose to stop working hard or go home? Or do you choose to put your faith and trust in the Lord and press forward?

 I went through such an experience of which I have only told my parents about until now. In an area where we were not having much success for many months, I wrote in my journal "What else is there for me to do here? What else does the Lord want me to do?" I was tired of trying to talk to people who didn't want to have anything to do with us. I was tired of knocking on doors. I was tired of teaching the same 3 people every week who were not making any real commitment to change. I was ready to throw in the towel, give up, and come home. And then I realized....... The Savior did not give up on me when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane. He did not say "I'm tired" or "This is too hard." There were thousands of people who did not want to have anything to do with Him or want to change their traditional way of life. And yet He did not falter.

Although some days it was a battle to get out of bed, I decided to keep pushing forward with what I had promised the Lord I would do - and that, I consider a victory. Just like the beginning, the end of my mission was filled with wonderful companions who encouraged me and helped me to keep working hard. It was filled with members of the church that became family to me. It was filled with opportunities for sharing about Jesus Christ that will forever solidify my testimony in Him. I am grateful for the Savior's example of steadfastness and how it helped me to press forward. 

My memories of my mission are already beginning to fade over time. I occasionally will talk with my companions about mission stories and memories to help me remember. I am also VERY grateful that I kept a journal for about 80% of my daily events. And I took a lot of pictures... Although the memories will fade, I will NEVER forget the feelings that I had ---

When I heard Brian Kohlenberg share his testimony for the first time

When a parents would renew their commitment to Jesus Christ because of the faith of their children
Joe Brown's dedicatin to invite every person he met to meet with us to learn about Jesus Christ

When I read my scriptures and received revelation for people we were teaching
Young single adult college students, like Janice and Jill Bacigalupo, who follow what they know to be true even when family and friends oppose their decision

When Mary Trujillo invited me to her baptism (after meeting with missionaries on and off for 5 years)

And the list could go on and on...

It is these memories and the feelings that I had as a missionary that carry me through hard times today. When I am having difficulty with my faith now, I remember the time I spent as a missionary and the conviction that I had about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It helps me to remember the principles that I thought and how important it is to do the little things like read my scriptures and pray to my Heavenly Father. It helps me to stay on the path. It gives me light when I am in a dark and low place. 

It helps me to know that I am not alone.

 

The Graduate

It's been about a month and a half since I updated my blog. SSSOOOO many exciting things to write about. Where to start... Who said life after graduation would get any easier????

The first great piece of information to share - I have an internship! Towards the end of school I sent out about 4 more applications to internship sites all around the country. One of the places was at the Oregon State Hospital in Salem. I had my interview during finals week and I thought it went extremely well! I was sad to hear at the end of the interview that they were not going to make a decision until about September. And THEN one week later they called me to say that I got it! I was so excited! This internship site really fits with what I am looking for as far as population, location, and treatment philosophy. I felt really good about it and received a confirmation from Heavenly Father that this is where I was supposed to be. So I accepted it! I will start the beginning of next year (January 2014).
And the BEST part is, my friend Marisa Johnson has her internship in Portland at the same time! Perfect :)

Second-of-ly, I GRADUATED!!! (well, sort of) In the music therapy program I technically don't "graduate" and get my degree until my internship is finished. But I DID get to walk at graduation! It was fun to get all dressed up and feel all fancy with some medallions around my neck. Best part of that day? During the general commencement with the thousands of students attended, the president of our university was detailing some of the accomplishments of our graduating class students. And of course, when I wasn't paying attention, he began to talk about me and my trip to Africa! He also mentioned the research I had completed through the Honors Program and how it related to music therapy!! How awesome was that?!? All in all, what a wonderful day celebrating this event with friends and family. Also, my beautiful and talented sister Sandi Fawson also graduated! (one day before me haha). So proud of her as well!

I wish I could say that I am 100% done with school. I am dealing with the consequences of procrastinating my online human anatomy class for the past year and so now I get to try to finish the whole course in two months. All I need is a C to pass haha. And I have also been practicing for my Level 3 exams. (75 memorized songs, on both piano and guitar, in two keys). This summer is quite busier than I would like it to be but that is alright. Once it is over that will be a relief!

Third-of-ly, I went on an awesome graduation road trip with Marisa Johnson and MaryJane Dibble! We traveled down to Southern Utah to see Canyonlands National Park, Arches National Park, Monticello, and Moab. It was a little cold with the wind chill but we managed to see all of the best places just at the right time. We also went to the Manti temple on our way home!
It was a fun trip with great friends.

Fourth-of-ly, I have been training for a marathon again! I signed up for the Top of Utah Marathon that will take place on September 21st. In April I ran the Salt Lake City Half Marathon and a few weeks ago I ran the Ogden Half Marathon! Both of these past two races occurred on days when there was a lot of rain. I was drenched both times from head to toe. Hopefully my next race has some nicer weather. I have also been going to the Copper Mountain Cross Fit with my sister Kelli. We go about 3-4 times per week and it kicks our butts! I really enjoy the challenging workouts and, although it wipes me out for the day, I feel like I am making improvements in small steps.

Last-of-ly, I am working two jobs this summer! I am back to work at West Ridge Academy where I started last summer. I work with the home staff on the evenings and weekends. I really enjoy my time there and there are even some familiar faces from last summer! I also work at the South County Outdoor Swimming Pool, yes the pool where I have been working since I was 15 years old haha. I have been promoted to a facility supervisor and so far I really like my job! There are about one million things to learn so it keeps me on my toes. That job will only go through the end of August so that will keep me busy busy busy!

I am enjoying the nice weather, living at home, and spending time with my family. I am missing my friends from USU, from the music therapy program, from my study abroad program, and from Ghana. It has been quite a journey for me since starting at USU back in 2007. But I am finally ready to be moving on with a new chapter of my life.
I just can't wait to see what is around the next page!